The Rising
by Fictional-Feather
Summary: Because Axel thinks if any album could describe that summer, this would be it.  Akuroku, AU, Based off Bruce Springsteen's The Rising


A/N: I'm just gonna note that I can no longer listen to any Springsteen without thinking 'Akuroku.' And while I go so far as to even name each song, it's really perfectly readable without knowing the album. You'd just miss a few parallels/references I make to the lyrics. But if you decide you like it, you might want to go give the album a listen. It's definitely worth it.

Axel and Roxas belong to Squisney, _The Rising_ belongs to Bruce Springsteen.

* * *

The first time they met, it was _Nothing Man_.

Being home for the summer isn't something Axel's looking forward to, even after he's gotten most of his boxes settled in the basement and he's had lunch with his mother. She's a wonderful woman, with a heart that would put gold to shame, but she tries too hard to make him feel cozy, something he could never be in that house.

The house is just the same as it's been for the other nineteen summers in his life. The white fence, the arch with the morning glories, the freshly-cut lawn outside, the old family photos and the soft drawl of the radio inside. The quilts on the back of the sofa, the smell of vanilla candles, the little bouquet of summer flowers (probably from the little girl two houses down) next to the mail on the kitchen counter. It's all homey and blatantly inviting. Axel feels like he's going to ruin the picture of suburban bliss just by looking at it.

He tells his mom it's too nice to stay inside and goes out for a walk, and Flannery, the little hound mix his parents got after he left, won't listen to him and stay in the yard, so she comes along, and even has the decency to sneeze when he lights a cigarette. His second since he's gotten home, because he'd gone and left his only functioning lighter in his dorm - he'd pulled over halfway home to look for the damn thing - and since he'd spent the rest of the drive in a mostly pissed-off mood, he feels he deserves it.

Nothing's changed in town, either. Axel had almost been able to fool himself into thinking it'd be alright to come back for a few months, but even though it was just community college, he supposes living away from home makes it easier to believe anything

Well, at least he still thinks of it as home.

Flannery's been there less than a year, and even she's bored with the place - she stops whenever he does and looks up at him, like she's asking what the point is.

"Sorry, don't have an answer for you."

He buys another pack at the little gas station - because he knows he'll probably be done with his current one before the day's out, at the rate he's going - and heads back. He decides to take the long way and laughs at Flannery when she stops, because she looks confused as hell when he turns down a different street.

He's on his third cigarette when he first sees the kid. Short, can't be any older than seventeen, with blond hair that looks like it's never laid flat in its life. Baggy jeans, Chucks - classic black, from what he can see. The kid's struggling to get two duffel bags out of the trunk of an airport taxi, an overly-stuffed backpack already on and threatening to overbalance him.

Axel's first plan of action is just to think 'Fuckin' dork' and keep on walking, but since he's headed down that street anyway, and the taxi driver is just fucking sitting there...

"Need help?"

When the kid looks up at him a little wide-eyed, Axel's brain suddenly decides to work and instantly, he wants to slap himself, because you can't go asking minors if they need help when you've got a cigarette in one hand and tattoos on your face.

Way to be a creeper, Axel. Great first impression.

But the kid surprises him by saying "Sure" and turning to shuffle up the front steps to a two-story blue house with white windows and two symmetrical bushes in the front yard. Axel's seen the house before in passing, as well as the man who lives there, but they've never spoken.

He crushes his cigarette, grabs the remaining two bags, and follows the kid up the steps, waiting while he fumbles with the key.

"I'm not even going to ask how you got all this stuff off the plane," Axel says once the kid finally drops his stuff in the middle of the floor. The inside of the house is much more inviting than his parents' place. A shirt draped over the back of a kitchen chair, pair of sneakers by the front door, a pack of sticky notes taped to the wall by the stairs, almost empty and with some scribbled writing on the top sheet.

Signs of life.

"My name's Axel, by the way," he says, because he feels like he should introduce himself.

The kid stops - he'd been heading back outside - and seems to study him a moment, like he's just now noticing him.

"Roxas," he says after a moment, and runs back outside.

Roxas.

Roxas, Roxas, Roxas.

Roxas, are you straight?

Hmm...Not exactly a question you can just ask a guy you've known for roughly two minutes. If you want to make a good impression, that is.

He has to admit, though, it's pretty exciting to have an attractive new guy moving in less than a cigarette's walk away. If he's straight...oh well, he'll hook up with that thirteen-year-old twig of a girl on Doral who's _way_ too mature for her age, and Axel will have to settle for ogling from afar.

And if the kid isn't so narrow...well then, no problem.

He hears the thud of the trunk shutting, then the taxi drives off and Roxas bounds back in.

"Is that your dog out there?"

Oh yeah...he'd forgotten about Flannery. She's lying on the sidewalk, head up and looking around, and she looks content, so Axel just shrugs.

"Yeah. She's pretty cool about not running off."

"So I guess you live close by?"

Axel points outside in the direction he'd been headed. "Take a right, down to Winston, hang a left. Less than a mile."

"I'd probably get lost trying to find Winston Street. I don't even remember this address. My mom wrote it down for me to give to the taxi."

"Where you from?"

"Atlantic City." He says it smugly, like it's something he should be proud of. Axel's laughing inside, but his face never changes. "My mom shipped me out here to visit my dad for the summer."

Axel gives him a bemused look. "You need this much shit for three months?"

"Hey, three months is a long time!" It's cute when he gets defensive. "And I mostly packed so much just to piss my mom off. I didn't want to come here."

"It can't be all that bad," Axel says, and if Roxas is into guys even a little bit, he'll notice Axel's smirk straight off, and the way he stands with his thumbs in his belt loops with his hips jutted out just so.

Roxas tries to hide it with a blink, but Axel notes how his eyes quickly roam down and back up his body, and he mentally cheers when the blond smirks back at him.

"No, I guess not."

Summer was off to a _fantastic_ start.

* * *

The first time Axel was glad it was summer, it was _Let's Be Friends_.

Axel only sees Roxas in passing for a while after they meet. The blond kid is most often seen out on his front steps, iPod efficiently casting him away into his own world. He waves every time Axel passes by, though.

Axel's out walking a lot. Anything to get out of the house, because being there is just like walking around a graveyard after dark. A graveyard where somebody he knows is buried. The house reminds him of everything he's glad to not be anymore. It's where he's yelled at his mom and fought with his dad more times than he can even remember, and scared the hell out of his little sister. His dad is still just as stern as ever, but he doesn't like the feeling he gets when he's around little Lyla because every time he sees her he remembers when she'd cry because of something he'd done, again, and he just wouldn't care.

And his mom...she always smiles at him, and he knows there's love behind it and he loves her too, because she forgave him for everything and that makes her quite possibly the sweetest woman in the world, but he can tell there's sadness in the way she looks at him, and worry, and pity, and he hates it. Hates that he caused it. So he doesn't stay in the house.

It's a Friday when Axel finds Roxas at the gas station. Lyla wanted to spend her allowance for that week on candy, so Axel decides to take his walk a little early and go with her, putting out his cigarette before she can make a face at him. She keeps skipping ahead of him while he tells her about what high school was like and she tells him about the boy in her class she's going to ask out when they go back in the fall. Axel has to wonder if she'd still say things like that to him if she didn't know he was gay. It's surprising she even really understands it, at her age.

Axel's glad he decided go with her, because before they even pass the gas pumps, he can tell it's Roxas behind the counter, looking angry with the cash register. He looks up as the door opens, but just mutters a quick "Hey," and shoves at the drawer again.

"Hey yourself," Axel replies and leans on the counter as Lyla prances off between the aisles. "Unsuccessful robbery attempt?"

Roxas glares. "I work here, but the register's broken."

"Hmm...It works just fine for twenty years, then suddenly it's broken when you show up?" The twitch of his nose and the barely contained smile tell Axel what really happened.

"Well if it's twenty years old, it's not my fault."

"Twenty isn't that old," Axel laughs. "Just hit it."

"I did."

"Hit it harder." He leans over the counter, making his tall frame good for something, and smacks the side of the machine. Nothing happens, and Roxas scoffs when he tries it a second time.

"If you break it-" He stops as the drawer pops into his hip.

"You're welcome," Axel says smugly.

"Whatever." Roxas leans on the counter across from him. "Did you need something?"

"Just waiting on her." He jerks his head in Lyla's direction.

"Who is she?"

"My baby sister." That takes Axel by surprise, considering how he'd thought he'd felt about Lyla. He thinks of her as 'my sister' or 'my younger sister,' even 'my little sister' on occasion, but '_baby_ sister' implies endearment, something he'd never quite associated with Lyla before.

Apparently, he loves her after all.

"I'm not a baby, Axel," Lyla calls out in that cute yet grown-up way that only eight-year-olds can manage. Both boys chuckle.

"So why'd you get a job?"

"I get paid and I don't have to sit around my dad's house all day. Win-win."

"You don't like your dad much?"

Roxas shrugs. "Haven't seen much of him since I was five or so. Don't really feel like catching up."

They fall silent as Lyla pays for her handful of junk food and pauses at the door.

"Are you coming?"

"Nah. I'll be home later."

She rolls her eyes and walks off.

"She's cute," Roxas says. It's the first thing he's said to Axel with a smile, and it's about Lyla.

"I'll have to bring her along more often." Roxas doesn't say anything, just raises his eyebrows and waits for Axel's explanation, like he's too old to play word games anymore.

"She makes you nice to me."

"Geez, you come here just to see me?"

"If I'd known you'd be here, then probably, yeah."

"Well, now you know."

"Is that an invitation?"

Roxas gives that nonchalant shrug again. "If you want."

It's then that Axel knows how the rest of the summer is going to be, because Roxas is just as interested as he is. They're flirting like it belongs in a fucking movie.

So when Axel finally leaves the store, it's with a lighter step than the one he had going in, because he's got that little thrill of energy that he always does at the start of something new. Usually, this part only lasts a few hours, because Axel's used to the kind of relationship that lasts a day or two. More specifically, a night or two. But maybe slowing down, waiting for Roxas to make a move, is a good thing. It's not as if he's going to be doing anything else all summer, so Axel certainly thinks it's worth a shot.

* * *

The first time they kissed, it was _You're Missing_.

Axel's been to see Roxas every day, whether at the store - because Roxas gives him his schedule - or his house. So it's almost like they're a proper couple now. Everything in place, except for the fact that it's not in words. It's not official. But the way they let their legs rest against each other when they're sitting out on Rox's porch and don't bother to make it seem like an accident makes the questions of sexuality and interest disappear.

Roxas surprises Axel one day by showing up at his house before he's even awake. His mom comes down to the basement and shakes him until he wakes up.

"There's a young man waiting for you upstairs."

Axel sits up immediately and pulls on a shirt from the floor, eternally grateful he's never been able to sleep nude, because he's still graced with an audience.

"You didn't tell me you'd met someone."

"Don't make it sound so poetic," he says as he starts upstairs.

"He's cute."

His mom, after spending a few hours sitting outside on the porch swing in shock, has been supportive since the day he came out, another reason he loves her deeply, while his dad had folded his arms and sighed through his nose while Axel had stood there, nervously defiant, just like any other thirteen-year-old in front of his stern-faced, man of little words father. But then he'd given the slightest of nods that could have meant disappointment or hopelessness, but Axel's since learned to take it as acceptance, because his dad always takes things in stride, and since then he hasn't said an unkind word to Axel about it.

And little Lyla has known since she was four, when Axel was in his sophomore year and getting suspended for beating up the guy who called him a fag. After telling his little sister that it was an ugly word she was never allowed to use, his definition of gay was that it meant he ran around kissing boys instead of girls. She'd just said 'Oh' and asked if he could still kiss her even though she wasn't a boy.

His mom tells him to take his meds once they're in the kitchen, but he doesn't know why she bothers, because he takes it every day, twice a day, whether he really wants to or not.

By the time Axel enters the living room, Lyla's already got Roxas playing Go Fish with her. Flannery's on the couch with her head in his lap, and he's wearing that smile that Axel's really starting to like on him - the one that's genuine and says he's enjoying himself, instead of that teasing little smirk he has. Axel's been seeing more of it on those evenings out on Rox's porch, talking about nothing and sometimes even saying nothing. He looks a little like he belongs there on Axel's couch, like he's part of the family.

"Hey," Roxas says upon noticing Axel.

"Hey yourself," Axel replies, and glances over to his father, who'd been watching Roxas intently and turns his head to shoot Axel a meaningful look. Great, even his _dad's_ going to tease him. Axel glares, but still sits on the couch next to Roxas, close enough to tell his parents what they're asking without _telling_ them.

"So Roxas," -apparently he's already introduced himself, because Axel's mom is already comfortable in her rocking chair and talking to him. "I've never seen you around before. Did your family just move?"

"Oh, I live with my mom in Jersey. Go fish," he adds to Lyla. "I'm staying with my dad here until I have to go back for my senior year. Sevens?"

"That guy down on Newport," Axel clarifies as Lyla distracts Roxas.

"Oh, I know him. Nice fellow."

"Helped me with those branches in the fall," his father says with a nod.

Axel can't help but think that he really shouldn't give a damn whether his parents accept Roxas or not, but he still finds himself feeling a little satisfaction that they already like his dad.

The two don't stay in the house long before they're out walking, and Axel just rolls his eyes when Roxas smiles and says his parents are nice. Twenty minutes to easier to swallow than twenty years. Axel loves his parents, especially his mother, but sometimes it's easier to love than to like, and anybody who spent less than a day with his parents would like them.

The hill behind the gas station seems as good a place to stop as any, so they end up on their backs watching clouds, sharing a soda and a pack of Lifesavers. Not much is said, in that comfortable way that comes from getting along well enough with someone that silence is no longer awkward. Axel hasn't had that happen to him in years, so he's fine with not saying anything. He has nothing important to say, and he's also fine with how Rox's hand is right next to his, close enough that if the weather were cooler, he'd have been able to feel the heat from it.

Axel whistles through the hole in his purple candy and thinks that he feels content for once, to the point he's not even craving a cigarette that badly, and it's the best thing he's felt in a while, probably since the last time he was high. And he thinks that Roxas is feeling just about the same thing, but then the hand next to his shifts and he hears "Fuck it" whispered and then Roxas is right next to him and kissing him full on the lips.

It's not one of those soft-as-hell, experimental shitty things, either. It's hard and almost demanding, like Roxas has known since that morning that this was going to happen. Axel wouldn't put it past him to plan it, and just threads his fingers through that blond hair and thinks that kissing Roxas feels like something he's been missing, and that Roxas tastes like yellow Lifesaver, which isn't bad at all mixed with purple.

* * *

The first time Axel opened up, it was _Countin' on a Miracle_.

They've been walking around shirtless all day, because it's just too hot not to. And getting to know each other better in the bed of Axel's old truck earlier when it was already roasting outside didn't help either. It's after dinner, but neither one is ready to call it a day just yet, so Axel drags them down the hill past the train tracks, and after Roxas threatens Axel for leering at him while he was stripping, they're both in the river. It's not the first time of the summer they've come to the muddy water, and neither thinks twice about how it's just barely too shallow to actually swim, because it's cool against the sun and it gives them a chance to watch each other dripping wet.

They stay in the water until the only light they have is from the stars, the quarter moon, and the distant streetlights. The dimness makes the reflections off the river sparkle even brighter, but neither teen notices, because Axel's got Roxas pinned on the sandy bank, thigh nudging between the younger boy's legs, and he's just about losing it from the way Roxas has one hand gripping his hair and the other tracing his spine, and he's making all those goddamned little _noises_. It's not until Roxas shifts and presses his hips up that Axel realizes how much he wants it. With a motivation he's not sure how he conjures, he breaks the kiss, panting just barely.

"I can't do this," he whispers, grazing the lips of the boy beneath him, and rolls over, feeling the sand shift and settle under him.

"Do what?" Roxas is sitting up slightly, braced on his elbows.

Axel closes his eyes and sighs lightly.

"Axel?" Roxas sounds like he's halfway between pissed and worried, strangely like his mother's voice, so he knows he has to say something.

If he tells him, he'll most likely end up alone here on the make-believe beach, watching Roxas pull on his shirt as he walks off without saying a word, which is probably why he barely keeps his voice even when he says "I'm HIV positive."

There's no answer from Roxas as he lets himself fall back on the sand.

When all he can hear is Roxas breathing, Axel thinks how at that moment he hates the fucker who infected him even more than the day he found out he was a walking time bomb. He hates that there are people who would do shit like that to a thirteen-year-old kid, and he hates that he was the kind of thirteen-year-old who got so plastered he couldn't even remember most of that night.

"When were you planning on telling me that?" The only emotion Axel can hear is anger, but Rox is still there, so Axel takes a deep breath to make sure he still can.

"I'm telling you now."

"It's been almost a month. That's not something you hide."

He takes a moment to realize that it really is less than a week until July. Time really can fly, if it's spent with the right person.

Rox is silent again, and Axel isn't sure how to handle it. Is he supposed to say something? Ask Roxas if it's alright, if he still wants to do this?

That's such bullshit - 'Is it alright that I still want to fuck you, even though it could ultimately kill you?'

There's a frog somewhere nearby, because the croaking is deafening. With neither of them speaking and both really too afraid to break the silence, even the babbling of the river sounds rude.

"You should have told me."

"I know."

"You tell me everything else about you. And the shit you did."

"I know."

There's another pause in which Axel is still surprised Roxas hasn't left yet.

"How'd you get it?"

Axel shuts his eyes again. Roxas already knows about how fucked up he was a few years ago, but he still doesn't like talking about what a shithead he was.

"I was," and he has to stop and clear his throat before he starts again. "I was thirteen and one of my older friends was having a graduation party. I drank a lot. I can try to kid myself into thinking that somebody slipped me something, but I was just really fucking drunk, and I only remember waking up the morning after, naked and sore as fuck next to this eighteen-year-old I used to hang out with who had once tried to tell me that thirteen was too old to be a virgin if you're gay."

A pause.

"That's fucked up."

Another pause.

"Yeah."

"What'd you do?"

It's really hard to tell what Roxas is feeling, so Axel keeps talking, thinking that at least it'll keep him lying there next to him a little bit longer.

"I didn't do anything. I left, I went home, and I didn't do a damn thing about it. I kept letting that guy fuck me for another two months and never mentioned the word 'condom.' I don't want to sound like I'm trying to teach you something here, but it's called 'safe sex' for a reason. Always, always, _always_, okay?" He looks over for the first time and sees Roxas is staring back at him with the emotion in those blue eyes stuck between confusion and worry.

"Okay," he whispers. Axel wets his lips and nods just barely, then turns back to look at the stars again, because stars won't make him feel guilty. He really wants a cigarette.

"Two months, then suddenly he skips town and when I starting asking around about why, I heard a couple rumors, so I got tested. I still don't know where the fuck he ran off to. Probably a good thing, because I'll fuck him up if I see him.

Roxas doesn't say anything. Axel has nothing left to say, hadn't wanted to say any of it in the first place, so he keeps quiet, and thinks back to that day, waking up that first day. He'd tried to get dressed and leave without his bedmate waking up, but failed miserably because it fucking _hurt_. He'd trudged back home, told his parents he felt sick, and stayed in his room for the rest of the day. He'd had no doubt his parents knew he'd been partying and they probably thought he was just hungover. Which he was, and it only added to his misery that they didn't even try to talk to him that day. It hurt that he'd hurt them.

And he remembers that day two months afterward when he'd watched his dad go off to work and Lyla run off to her friend's house, and he'd gone inside and quietly told his mom he needed her to drive him to the clinic in the city. She'd given him a long, hard stare, like his own vibrant green eyes silently questioning him, but when he'd just stared right back at her, she picked up her keys, and they drove the forty minutes in silence. Axel had gone in by himself and he remembers being strangely calm the whole time, even when he had to wait until the next day for the results, and even during the minutes that he spent staring at the paper they'd handed him.

He'd walked back out to the car and sat with the folded sheet clenched in his hands, and his mom, after watching him for a moment, didn't even tell him to buckle up before she started driving again. They were halfway home before he finally spoke. They ended up being the only words spoken the whole trip, and his mom even made it home before she started crying.

"So what are you gonna do?" he asks, because Roxas has been quiet for too long and he wants to stop remembering. And he's still wishing he'd brought a pack and a lighter.

"What do you mean?" He hears Roxas turn to look at him, but he's still focused on the stars, being too cowardly to look into those eyes again.

"I mean...are you still...?" He doesn't even know what he's trying to ask, but Roxas picks up on it anyway.

"I'm not gonna be a little bitch and stop talking to you. I just...I'm mad at you, I guess."

"That's understandable," is all Axel says, but internally, he's nearly giddy. He wants to grin like an idiot and roll back over and start kissing the hell out of Roxas again.

But that would fuck things up, so when Roxas says "I gotta get home," Axel doesn't object, and knowing that he isn't going to walk away for good makes the long, deep kiss that Roxas gives him all the better. It's like some disenchanted fairytale where the princess has to go through so much shit just to get one kiss from her prince. Axel doesn't think about he's equated himself to a princess and instead thinks about how something finally feels like it's going to turn out okay.

* * *

The first time they slept together, it was _The Rising_.

It starts with Axel's phone buzzing at half past eleven.

'on my way over. can u meet me outside?'

Axel's immediately worried, because anytime he gets a text from Roxas this late, the kid always asks if he's awake first.

He feels like he's standing out on the sidewalk smoking for hours. Flannery starts to whine to go back in and he scratches behind her ear to shut her up, because if he doesn't go inside with her, she'll bark. He sees Roxas then, walking from the wrong direction, and the first thing he thinks is that he's crying because of how he wipes at his face. But then he sees the blood and starts to panic.

"Shit...are you okay?"

"Somebody knows about us," Roxas says, then coughs a little and spits blood off into the grass. Axel is all too aware of his heart pounding, because he knows that's never a good sign. He grabs Rox's hand and starts walking back to the house, watching to see if it hurts him at all to walk and not even thinking about how it makes a shitty first time to hold hands.

"What the fuck happened?" He can hear that his voice is higher than it should be, maybe even shrill, but he ignores the thought.

There had only been two of them, but Roxas is small and not much good in a fight, even less so against a pair of homophobic assholes when it's dark out and they surprise him.

They make it down the stairs without anything creaking, and Axel is grateful for the dumb luck that both his parents are asleep. Once they're safely in the tiny basement bathroom, Axel mentally gives himself a quick pat on the back for actually unpacking most of his stuff. Otherwise he'd have been searching around for whatever bag he'd thrown the first aid stuff in. But he supposes that he's used to needing to know where it is, because college hadn't meant an end to people who pissed him off. Being clean isn't the same as being reformed.

"They kept saying some shit about me deserving it," Roxas says as Axel helps him get his shirt off.

Axel takes one look at the bruises that are already forming and can't remember ever being so pissed, so fucking _outraged_ before in his life. He swears and rants the whole time he's helping Roxas clean himself up, words that turn into sincere apologies every time the blond winces, before turning right back around into angry threats.

It's Rox's idea. They've both calmed down, because it's really not as bad as either of them had thought. Nothing's broken or in need of stitches. He probably won't even have any scars. Just a lot of bruises. He's lucky. Axel knows shit like that can get ugly fast.

He's sitting there on the bathroom sink in his underwear, and Axel will almost think later that the kid wouldn't have gotten the idea if he hadn't been half-naked already. But Roxas has a strange a look on his face and grabs Axel's hand as he reaches for the cabinet behind him.

"Axel..."

There, with Roxas holding his hand and his dream-blue eyes shining with something he hasn't quite seen before, Axel just has to stop and think of what Roxas means to him. Had it really taken Roxas getting the shit kicked out of him for Axel to realize the kid meant so much more to him than what he'd planned on?

"Let's have sex."

"What?" He resists the urge to laugh, because he was almost thinking deep for a second before Roxas killed the mood.

"I want to."

"Wha...Why now?" They haven't even talked about how Roxas feels about Axel being infected. Axel had just assumed, when Roxas stuck around, that he was fine with it.

Roxas shrugs, frowning at the pull in his shoulder. "They kept calling me a queer, so why not make it really true?"

Axel gives a breath of laughter. "You're already going to be sore as hell in the morning."

"So give me a good reason to be sore, so I won't wake up and think about those fuckers."

"Fuck, Roxas..." Axel pauses and sighs, ignoring the part of his mind saying to tell Roxas it'll be risky, because there's always a chance. "I don't want it to be something to make you forget. It should be because of us, not because of them." He shuts his eyes and replays what he's just said, and knows that if it were anyone but Roxas, he wouldn't have even thought those words, because nobody else could have made him think of something so sickeningly romantic.

"Axel," - and there's something in the way he says it that makes Axel want to just stop thinking altogether - "it _is_ because of us. I want to."

His arms wrap around Axel's neck, comfortably now that it's something they're used to, and the way he's kissing Axel isn't rough, but there's enough force behind it to tell Axel that he's serious.

"Roxas..." he breathes out, but he's not really sure what he's going to say after that.

"Shut up, Axel. We're heading that way anyway, why not get there a little earlier?"

Axel has to chuckle, because he can't argue with that. "Just didn't think you'd want to lose it to a summer fling." It's his one last warning, Rox's one last chance to think 'HIV, remember?'

"Idiot," Roxas says with a smile, leaning in to kiss him again. "That's what summer love is all about."

It's probably that word that does it. Roxas hadn't really said it, but the word was there, hinted at.

"Well fuck, you want _summer_, we oughta go park my truck in a field somewhere. Crawl in the backseat and make this as-"

"Just stop talking. Your bed is fine. Hell, right here is fine."

But of course Axel isn't going to have him in the tiny little bathroom, so he picks him up - which is easy because he's right at that height and he's just too small - and carries him over the fold-out couch that's been his bed for the summer. He's mindful of the bruises, but the way Roxas wraps his legs around his waist, pulling himself close, kissing the tattoo on one cheek and whispering "I'll be fine" makes him relax and push Roxas onto his back and kiss him.

It's awkward, but it's because Roxas has never been with a guy before and he just has to trust Axel, because at least he knows what he's doing. Axel takes his time and he's careful, but he still apologizes when he sees that look on Rox's face that has too much pain in it for his liking. As first times go, it's good, like it should be, even though Roxas doesn't finish because even with Axel hitting that spot and shooting fire up his spine, he's too sore. Axel just sucks him off afterward, and it's still good, and Roxas falls asleep maybe a little too quickly, but Axel finds it endearing and pulls him closer, breathing in the scent of sweat and contentment.

* * *

The first time Axel got revenge, it was _Empty Sky_.

Axel wakes up first - of course, because Roxas is fucking exhausted - at almost noon and the first thing he thinks after how much better it is waking up with Roxas curled against his side is how much he hates seeing Roxas bruised. He's too...too everything.

He gets up carefully, but Roxas does nothing but sigh and shift fully onto his side, so the already low blanket slides even lower. Axel is tempted just for a moment to stay and wake him up with a long, slow tease, maybe leading into a morning round if the kid's feeling up to it. But he stops, shakes his head, and dresses quickly. He knows where he's going.

He stops briefly to kiss Roxas, lightly so as not to disturb him, and pads up the stairs, hoping to high fucking _Hell_ that the kid will still be asleep when he gets back, because who wants to wake up alone after losing their virginity?

His mom stops him before he gets out the door and asks if he can watch Lyla for a while later if she goes out, and he agrees because that makes it easy for Roxas to leave without an awkward conversation. Come to think of it, what was Rox's dad thinking? He makes a mental note to check on that later.

It takes Axel all of ten minutes to find those guys. He'd had an idea when Roxas had said there'd only been two of them, and he knows he's right when he sees one of them is sporting a newly crooked nose and the black eye that comes with it. He can't help but feel a little proud, because of course Roxas wouldn't give up without getting a few hits in.

They act tough, calling him a fag and asking if he wants some of what his little girlfriend got, but afterwards, when there's blood on the street and Axel's walking off with nothing but bloody knuckles, throwing his head back to blow smoke into the air, he can't help but laugh a little at how they'd only started begging after something had cracked.

Eye for an eye, fuckers.

He goes back home, and smiles at his mom on his way back to the basement. Roxas is still there on his side, blanket as provocative as it was, and he thinks he might follow through with his earlier plan of molesting him in his sleep, because Axel is always up for it in the morning.

The first time Axel convinced Roxas to sneak out, it was _Further On_.

Axel's sitting with his back against a tree right where Roxas said he'd meet him, but the kid's late. So Axel takes a sip of the Jack he dug up, knowing that he probably looks homeless and almost thinks that Rox chickened out and didn't even text him, but just as he's about to try calling him, he sees Rox's small frame appear down the sidewalk, walking quickly and a little hunched, like someone's going to spot him and start yelling, so he's ready to run before they can call his dad.

"I felt like a fucking ninja trying to get out of the backyard."

Axel just smiles, because he knows Roxas won't stay pissy long. He's too excited.

They go down to where the tracks go across the bridge and sit with their feet over the edge, but they're close to the end, not the middle. Neither feels like walking out there, and Axel knows how fucked up and pissed off at the world you have to be to sit in the middle, because he's been there when a train came through. They can see the moon on the river just fine from where they are anyway.

"I didn't think I'd like it here," Roxas says. They're not sitting close enough to touch, but it makes sense to them to not act like a couple, because even though they have plenty of privacy, it's not how either of them feels. It's more of a night for drinking with your best friend and watching splashes in the river from dropped rocks than one for sneaking out to mess around.

"It's a decent town. I hate it, but I guess it's because I grew up here."

"It's not so bad. Probably because I met you, because if I was stuck here with just my dad, I'd die."

"I'll drink to that." He swigs once and passes the bottle to Roxas, who tips it up just hesitantly enough to tell Axel that he's at least never had whiskey before; he's just trying to impress him. Axel lets him, and even pretends he doesn't notice the almost grimace on his face. It always burns the first few times.

"What's it like, having HIV?"

Axel's a little surprised, because Roxas has never asked about it before.

"It's...not so different, really."

"You're never scared?"

Axel breathes for a moment. He's felt a lot of things about his situation over the years. "My meds'll make me feel pretty sick sometimes, and I guess that freaks me out a little, because...I mean, I know it's different from actually having AIDS, but still...if I get sick..."

"Hmm," is all Roxas says, and Axel agrees, because it's not exactly a pretty topic.

"When do you go back home?" He takes the bottle from Roxas.

"School doesn't start 'til September sometime, but Mom wants me back in the middle of August."

Axel takes another swallow, scowling. "My semester starts in the middle of September. So I'll probably stick around until then."

"My mom would be fucking ecstatic if I wanted to stay longer. That'd mean I was getting along with my dad."

Axel laughs softly and hands Roxas the bottle when he reaches for it. The more the kid drinks, the less likely he is to do it himself, because by this point in his life, he's gotten to not like it so much when he sees he's gone through a lot in one night.

"You coming back here next summer?" Roxas asks.

Axel sighs, because he's thought about that question before, ever since he realized he'd gotten in maybe just a little too deep with Roxas, even knowing they had less than three months together, and he still doesn't have an answer.

"It'd be easy to. I graduate in the spring. Theoretically," he adds, because he doesn't even know why he's allowed back there in the first place. "I don't have any plans for the future yet." He adds to himself that's he just glad to be doing something good with his life in the present.

"I'm not."

And there it is.

Axel doesn't know why he's suddenly pissed off at the world. It's not as if Roxas was meant to be somebody. He was just temporary.

"My mom's sending me off to college."

Axel's been in some awful places in his life. He's been drunk enough to not remember the night he got HIV and high enough to try and rob a gas station with a water gun. He's had his parents scream at him how miserable he is and how they're disappointed in what their son has become while he's sitting on the bathroom floor, needle there beside him and he's barely hearing their words. He's gone through withdrawal in the back of his truck when it's not even spring yet and almost freezing outside, shaking and rocking from the pain and the cold, not even able to see straight through his tears, kicking the seat and cursing his parents and his own miserable life and wishing he could just die and be done with it all. And he still remembers when later, after he's made even his dad cry with his apology, the decision to switch to filtered cigarettes felt like the proudest moment he'd ever had in his life.

Even with everything he's done, he still doesn't have something he can compare to what he's feeling as Roxas goes on about early acceptance and visiting the campus and how excited his mom was. That bitch.

He thinks it's not anger, but he hates that Rox's mom is shipping him off, so he is a little angry. And he thinks it's not jealousy, but he wants Roxas to be with him and not have to spend time with his dad and make his mom happy by going to school, so he is a little jealous. And he thinks it's not sadness, but the only thing he wants is for Roxas to say he'll be back next summer, so he is a little sad. And he thinks it's not love, but he's way too attached even though he swore he'd just be having fun, so maybe it could be love.

They end up in front of Rox's house, having walked the whole way in silence with their hands clasped together. Their goodbye kiss is the first one they've shared all night, and Roxas still tastes a little like alcohol, but it's hard and slow and long, and there's emotion behind it, so that makes it worth it.

When Roxas turns to go inside, it happens again - that lingering moment where he looks back at Axel with that cute half-smile and something in his eyes that says he's content. Comfortable. Happy, even.

Axel walks back home trying his best not to think too much, because nothing that could run through his mind could suit his mood. He steps back down the basement and sits on the couch, staring at nothing in particular.

He drinks, one long swallow, and revels in the way it burns all the emotions he can't even name gathering in his throat.

* * *

The first time Roxas ran away, it was _Into the Fire_.

Axel is too tired to even attempt being startled when he hears his phone vibrating. He flips it open without pausing to look at the number, because who else would it be?

"Yeah?"

"You awake?"

A pause. "Rox..."

Roxas makes a disgruntled noise. "Nevermind. Is it alright it if I come up?"

Normally, Axel would make some comment about whether or not he has to ask, but there's something terse in Rox's voice, much too close to having the same tone as that text Axel had gotten that night, that makes him just say "Sure, yeah. I'll meet you outside."

Axel stands outside and thinks that it gets too cold at night for summer, and he's still yawning even after he's smoked, but as soon as he sees the look on Rox's face, he's wide awake. Something's happened.

They step lightly down to the basement and it's way too similar, only this time Roxas isn't bleeding. The kid just goes and sits on the bed, looking almost furious at something, and waits for Axel to sit next to him.

He only slightly leans into the arm Axel wraps around him, but it's enough to tell him that this isn't about breaking up or some shit like that. He feels marginally better.

"My dad found out."

Ah. Shit. "Did he...what happened?" He reaches for his almost empty pack and the lighter next to it.

"He didn't hit me or anything."

"He kick you out?"

"No. Threatened to, but I said I'd just call Mom."

"What do you think he's gonna do?"

Roxas sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Probably nothing. I just...I don't know." He leans into Axel's side and curls his legs beneath him, giving a small 'huff' of contentment. "I just got pissed and wanted to leave before he _did_ do anything."

Axel hums an affirmation, knowing it was probably the right decision. He's never met the man, but he hears enough from Roxas, and it doesn't seem as if there's much to like.

"He called me a fag."

Axel felt it just as much as he did, and bit the inside of his cheek. That was such a goddamned awful word.

"Started yelling some shit about me being some pansy of a son who liked taking it up the ass."

Axel's mind can't stay away from arguing with him over the truth of that, but he pushes those thoughts away, because he sees what Roxas is going through and knows he's been there before. "He call you a failure and a huge disappointment?"

"Yeah. Both."

The one time Axel's dad ever gave him any shit about being gay was the day he found out Axel had HIV. It starting with him yelling about his son being irresponsible and reckless, then disintegrated into how he was glad they had Lyla, because maybe she wouldn't turn out to be such a fuck-up. He'd never apologized, but it would be a few years before Axel realized his father had said those things out of fear. And he would only come to know that when he'd hear almost the exact same words said to him about the drugs and the booze. The realization, the understanding of his father, would only be there after Axel was clean.

Axel tightens his arm around Roxas and feels him sigh, a burst of heat against his chest.

"You should sleep here tonight," Axel murmurs.

"I was planning on it."

"I'll walk you back home in the morning."

"You don't have to. He's not gonna do shit."

"Hmm," Axel says, not confirming or denying anything. He snubs out his cigarette and leans them back on the bed, inwardly smiling at how Roxas pressing himself to Axel's side, because that means he's still alright with this, and he's not going to let his father come between them. Axel's pretty sure that having the kid's dad as an enemy isn't a good thing, but Roxas is running his thumb over one of the twin black marks on his cheeks, so he really can't bring himself to care very much.

* * *

The first time they fucked, it was _The Fuse_.

One thing Axel knows for sure about Roxas is that he doesn't like to let it show when things bother him. Honestly, he could be hiding the death of his mother behind a devious smile and a bounce in his step. Axel finds that he's quite bemused by it, because he's used to people who don't hide their emotions. People like himself, who are content with the world knowing they're less than ecstatic.

It makes it hard to tell what's on the kid's mind. Axel still sometimes knows exactly what he's thinking, but anytime Roxas shows up and he's a little too perky, Axel just can't get a grasp on what's going through his head. It's like he just blocks everything out.

There have been a few times when he's seen the real Roxas - the one who doesn't like whiskey, has never had a boyfriend, and really does like his mom, though he won't admit that to anyone. It's those little times when Roxas doesn't even realize he's let his guard down. Like the night he fought with his dad and ran straight to Axel. And right after the first time Roxas kissed him, and he had that look that said he wasn't sure if he'd done the right thing. And when he woke up that one morning, still naked, while Axel was kissing everywhere he could see, and he gave the most contented stretch and smile, and Axel knew they had a good thing going.

Axel can't help but feel a little more possessive of Roxas every time he sees this side.

When Roxas meets him at the river, Axel knows immediately what kind of smile he's wearing, but doesn't say anything. If it's important, Rox'll bring it up. Axel's already in the water, so he just waits while Roxas strips - down to nothing by this point between them. It's already twilight, but it's not as if that's stopped them before, and they end up out there far past dark, sometimes kissing, sometimes _not_, before Roxas finally mentions that his dad's out of town for the night with that little smirk - a real one.

"Why the fuck didn't you say that earlier?"

"I was having fun here."

Axel can't argue with him there, because he knows he'd have dragged Roxas off as soon as he heard that, like he does after they're back in their pants, shirts over their shoulders, and Axel's got the Jack they'd started on the bridge.

They start sipping before they're at the house, and the only thing stopping Axel from asking if he's sure his dad will be gone all night is how Roxas is so relaxed and keeps shooting looks at him like he can't see them. He decides he'll just trust the kid.

"You should take me to a party." Roxas is straddling his lap on the couch, fingers combing through his hair. The kid shouldn't even be buzzed, because he's hardly had any, but he's definitely feeling pretty loose.

"What, now?" Axel murmurs, kissing him. He's had more than Roxas, but with his record, he's got nothing to worry about. And he's glad for a drink, because it's probably not a good idea to smoke in Rox's house.

"Mmm, no. Not now. But sometime." Roxas kisses him, but it's with enough of a smile behind it that Axel thinks maybe he _is_ more than just loose. "I mean, you know enough people that you have to know about something going on, right?"

Rox kisses him again, this time rolling his hips, and Axel smiles, starting to feel that tingle deep in his gut.

"If this is you when you're drunk, I don't think I want you at a party with the people I know."

Rox is still moving on top of him, and he laughs a little as Axel runs his tongue over a spot low on his neck that he knows is sensitive.

"But I've never been drunk before." He tilts his head, and Axel bites him just hard enough until he feels a low moan escape before mumbling into his skin.

"And now you want to?"

"Yeah, before I go back."

Axel pauses, his lips still pressed against the kid's neck, then sighs and leans back. That's the last thing he wants to think about tonight.

Roxas is giving him a confused look that would have been just plain cute any other time.

"What?"

Axel just gives a soft smile. "Nothing. Drink?" He hands the bottle beside him to Roxas, who grins and tips it up like he's been doing it for years. It's almost funny. He hurries down a second swallow before Axel takes it back and downs enough to make Roxas pinch him and tell him it's not fair.

"It's plenty fair, lightweight." He puts the bottle on the table behind Roxas, sneaking his hands under the kid's shirt to grab his hips and pull him closer.

"This is good," Roxas mumbles, his lips grazing Axel's.

He doesn't answer, just makes sure that Roxas shuts up too. If he keeps talking, he might say something else about going home after summer's over. When summer dies, they won't be a 'they' anymore, so Axel chooses not to think about it. But his mind won't work like he wants it to, and he ends up thinking about it anyway, because it's _Roxas_ on top of him, and it's Roxas who's not going to be around after August.

So he just tightens his grip and thinks for a moment that he might leave finger-shaped bruises, but Roxas isn't complaining. He's moaning, actually, and squirming in Axel's lap, so much that Axel's surprised when they make it to Rox's room fully clothed. But that doesn't last long, and Axel still finds that the only thing he can think about is how Roxas isn't coming back next summer.

But somewhere between the nails scratching angry lines down his back, the teeth biting into his shoulder, the loud moaning in his ear, the legs around his waist, and his own harsh panting, he thinks that Roxas is probably the best thing that's ever happened to him his whole life. He doesn't realize how funny is it that he'd think that while fucking him until after they're done and pressed close together, with their heartbeats slowing down together, but he ignores that and instead thinks of how it just feels right to be with him. He falls asleep with Rox's head on his chest, wishing that anything else could feel as damn good.

* * *

The first time they fought, it was _Paradise_.

It's been building for a few days.

A few days earlier, Axel would have said that nothing was wrong. He would have said that he and Roxas were fine, nothing but the summer heat causing any strife.

But today, when he wakes up and thinks of Roxas, he gets a feeling he can't place, but it's not good. Like it's something he should be worried about but he can't quite remember what. But he shakes it off, because why does he have anything to worry about?

They end up back at the tracks, because they've exhausted the supply of things to do, even with their combined imaginations. They're pacing the length of the bridge, though, which gives Axel that same stressed feeling he had when he woke up, because he remembers when he wouldn't have wanted Roxas out in the middle even on those nights when you could see the light coming long before you heard the train.

He takes a moment to think about how he'd never be doing this by himself. After Roxas leaves, he'll probably never come back to the tracks again. It'll just be a memory he can't erase or chase after.

"What's college like?"

Axel frowns and looks out over the sunset on the river and reminds himself to take his AZT when he gets home. "It's not like high school," is all he says, pulling a pack out from his pocket. He doesn't miss the scowl on Rox's face, but ignores it.

"You shouldn't smoke so much."

"Why not? I'm gonna die early anyway." It comes out a meaner then he'd meant, but Roxas shuts up and looks away, so he doesn't bother apologizing. They've reached one end of the bridge, so they turn around wordlessly.

They're almost halfway through when Roxas speaks again.

"I don't know if I want to go to college."

"Why's that?" Axel's reply is a little clipped, but he can't help but hope Roxas will pick up on that and shut up again.

"School's just taken thirteen years of my life. I feel like I deserve a break."

"Don't go, then." Axel knows his tone should be happier, because if Roxas doesn't go to college, he could come back next summer, but he would still throw his entire pack into the river if it meant Roxas would stop talking about college.

"Mmm...But then my mom would be really disappointed. And everyone says if you take a year off, you'll never go back."

"Then go," Axel says, and it's sharp enough to make Roxas look over at him.

"What's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem." His voice is tight, not giving anything away, and he inhales and breathes out slowly to watch the smoke curl upward.

Roxas just glares, but when they reach the end of the bridge, he doesn't move. Axel looks at his stubborn expression, sighs, takes another drag, and throws it into the river half-finished.

"What, Rox?"

"What the hell is up with you tonight?"

"What do you mean?" he asks tonelessly, sliding his hands in his pockets.

"Fuck, Axel, you know what I mean."

Axel doesn't say anything, just stares into those bright blue eyes, searching and wondering if they can give him an answer - whether or not he should tell the truth. Tell him what he really feels.

"I mean, you've hardly said anything that doesn't sound like you're pissed off."

"All you want to talk about is college."

"Is that a bad thing? It's my future."

"Why should I care about your future?" he snaps, but his anger dissipates at lightning speed when he sees Rox's face and realizes how it sounded.

"Rox..."

The hurt on his face is quickly by a dry smile, and he won't meet Axel's eyes anymore.

"I'm just an easy fuck to you."

Axel doesn't know what to say to fix it, to tell him it's not like that, not anymore, but he's watching Roxas walk away, like he was so afraid of that night at the river, and he's left standing alone on the wrong side of the bridge.

"Roxas..."

"Don't, Axel," he calls back.

It's probably better, because Axel's not sure what he'd have said if Roxas had turned around.

He stands there, holding his breath with his eyes shut, trying to think clearly, and when he opens his eyes, Roxas is already too far away to hear him. He kicks the ground then harshly sits and swings his legs over the edge, lighting another cigarette and wishing he hadn't wasted his previous one. He watches the water beneath him and thinks about how, when he was little, the older kids used to scare him with the story of the man who jumped off the bridge, telling him the man's body was still seen floating along the river some nights. It's not a very clear memory - he was little too young - but it keeps him from thinking about Roxas.

* * *

The first time Axel had to realize he missed Roxas, it was _My City of Ruins_.

Waking up sucks.

Axel's been thinking this for exactly an hour. He knows this because it's been exactly an hour since he woke up and rolled over to look at the clock. It's after noon now, but he doesn't feel inclined to move.

Waking up only sucks because he doesn't know where he stands with Roxas. Axel believes it's an awful thing that should never happen to anyone: waking up unsure about your relationship with somebody important to you. He skips right over how he admitted Roxas is important to him and thinks that waking up unsure about anything sucks, but this _really fucking blows_.

It's at least another ten minutes before Lyla comes rushing down the stairs and jumps on his bed.

"Axel! Are you getting up?"

"No," he grumbles, trying to pull the covers higher.

"Why? Lunch is ready."

"I'm not hungry." He covers his eyes with his arm.

Lyla gives a 'huff' and sits back. Axel peeks out at her and sees she's pouting a little, and giving him a thoughtful look.

"What?"

"You're having a _sad_ day, aren't you...I get those," she says with a nod, and settles more comfortably on his legs. "What happened?"

Axel chuckles and thinks that she's way too clever for eight. "Are you a therapist now?"

"Yup!"

Axel just smiles and shuts his eyes again.

"Axel, come _on_! You have to participate!" She slaps his leg to make sure he's awake enough to talk. "Did you have a fight with your boyfriend?"

"Who told you he's my boyfriend?"

"Why would you be kissing him if he's not your boyfriend?"

"When did you see me kissing him?" Axel sits up, suddenly very awake, because usually when he's kissing Roxas, it leads to something more, and Mom would probably him give Lyla the sex talk if she says she saw them...ah, fuck, she's only eight...

"You were in the store and you kissed him goodbye. It was pretty cute."

"Oh..." Axel nearly sighs with relief and lies back down.

"No, get up!" she whines and tugs on his arm.

"Why?"

"Mom says if you stay in bed all day, you'll never get to sleep at night."

"She's right. Listen to her."

"Then get up!"

"Darlin', you don't have to worry about me."

"Well I'm gonna worry if you're sad."

"I never said I was sad."

"Uh-_huh_."

Axel shoots her a playful glare, and she giggles. "I think you need to go apologize to Roxas, so he won't be mad anymore."

"What makes you think I'm the one who needs to apologize?" Even though he knows it's true, he still doesn't know how he's going to do it.

"Because if it were his fault, then you'd be mad. But you're sad. Oh!" she gasps suddenly, then lowers her voice. "Unless he broke your heart."

Axel take a moment to swear that she's twice as smart as she was last summer, then says "You're so dramatic" to avoid having to think about a real answer.

"Oh good, so it's just a fight. Get up and go apologize!"

Axel yawns. "I don't think it's a good idea to walk down there in my underwear."

"_Ew_." Lyla wrinkles her nose and looks down at the blanket separating them. "I thought you were wearing _pants_."

"Nope," he says with a shrug.

She giggles again. "You're weird. And you can't go yet anyways, because we have to have lunch together before I go to dive team."

It's a little bittersweet...how proud his parents must be of her. She gets perfect grades in school, has a ton of friends, and she's already been a teeball player and won second place in the school district's poetry contest. They're even willing to drive her out of town twice a week to a real swimming pool because she took to water like a damn eel. She's an overachiever, and it makes it easy to tell that she's going to be the preppy, popular type that Axel always hated in school.

Then again, his parents deserve to have a kid to be proud of. And if the kid wants to try something, why shouldn't she, especially if she's got talent? Axel thinks she wouldn't know what to do with all her energy otherwise.

"Do you _really_ want to go?" He opens an eye and peeks out at her with a smirk. "Because we _could_ stay here and have tickle-fights all day."

Lyla smirks back, but doesn't move until Axel lunges forward, and she yelps and jumps off the bed, laughing as she runs upstairs.

They have lunch together like she wanted, and Axel pretends he doesn't notice their mom hanging around and shooting them smiles. She's allowed to be happy at seeing him be nice to Lyla. It's not like he hides that he loves the little kid, he just doesn't let it show often.

Before she leaves, looking all too cute in her new swimsuit with her hair pulled back, she gives him a meaningful look and pokes his chest, having to reach up to do it. He laughs and waves her away.

He sits on the porch for a while after, smoking. It's a case of knowing what the right thing to do is, being explaining himself to Roxas, but not being able to motivate himself to do it. Like when he was getting clean. He knew it had to be done, but he hadn't let himself conjure any ideas about it being easy.

He fumbles his cigarette when the realization comes that Roxas means so much to him that he's basically said breaking up with him is equal to jumping back on the wagon.

He _really_ needs to talk to him.

He finishes three cigarettes on the walk that used to take one, if that, and he doesn't know if it's because he's nervous or walking slow. Probably both. Every time he looks down at his feet and urges them to move faster, he remembers that he has to plan out what he's going to say, and that leads to wondering whether Roxas will just tell him to leave and refuse to talk to him. So he never figures out what to say, and never walks any faster.

When he turns the corner and sees there's a truck in the driveway, he stops. He hadn't even considered that Rox's dad might be home.

"Fuck." It's loud enough that a cat on the nearest porch jerks awake and looks at him.

He turns around and starts walking back, because it's a given that the man hates him. With what Axel's trying to accomplish, it wouldn't do any good for either of them to be pissed off.

He stops again, fists clenched, and takes a second to think that if anybody's home watching him, they think he's batshit crazy, pacing on the sidewalk. But the streets are empty, so he's lucky.

He's already here. If he goes home, he'll think about Roxas for the rest of the day with the same unsure, unsettled feeling. He won't even consider texting the kid, because he's been called a fag enough times that he's not going to be a pussy about this and take the easy way out.

And he figures Lyla will get on his case later, so he turns around again and walks back toward Rox's house, trying to think of how to begin. What to say.

He still has nothing after he's knocked - it sounds pretty similar to his heart right about then - and a man as tall as he is opens the door. He's dressed neatly, even on what's apparently his day off, with perfectly trimmed hair, and he has the look of someone not quite rich, but easily comfortable. Perfect suburbanite, so it's really no wonder he has a problem with Roxas being gay.

There's a second where the man looks him up and down in a discreetly condescending way and Axel wishes he'd dressed a little sharper. Fixed his hair. Not smelled so badly of smoke. Something.

"Is Roxas home?"

There's a slight hesitation from Rox's dad that makes Axel wonder if the man recognizes him. Probably not, they never officially met, only saw each other in passing once near the beginning of the summer.

"He's in his room," the man says and tilts his head back inside the house, like Axel should know where it is.

Ah. He knows exactly who Axel is. Great.

Axel steps inside and down the hall to lean on Rox's doorway. The kid's on his bed, facing the wall.

"You awake?"

Roxas immediately rolls over and gives him a look that's hard to decipher. It's part glare, part guarded curiosity.

"What do you want?"

Axel pauses. "Last night..." He stops again, because he doesn't know what he'd planned to say after that. Just seemed like a start, and he'd assumed somehow the right words would come to him.

Roxas sits up. "Shut the door."

Axel does so, and goes to sit on the bed next to him. Roxas is dressed, so he's been up at least once already.

"What about last night?"

"I'm sorry." There. That's a good way to start things off, because Axel's not sure if Roxas has ever heard him say that.

"You're sorry you don't care about my future?" There's no anger is Rox's voice, like he's putting up walls again.

"Fuck, I know it sounded awful, but it wasn't supposed to. I didn't mean it that way."

"How the hell can that mean anything else?" He says it with a humorless chuckle and makes Axel flinch. "Axel, why are you here? We've established that you're only-"

"Fucking hell, Rox, it's not like that. Yeah, that's all I had in mind when I met you, but...shit, I said that last night because I know I'm not going to be in your future."

Roxas just looks at him, like he's not quite sure what Axel's saying.

"I mean, the closer it gets to August, the more you talk about home and school. But that has nothing to do with me, because we're never going to see each other again. So I don't want to waste time talking about the future." Come on, Axel, three little words. Say what you mean. "Honestly, I..." Not even three words, actually; it's just that one in the middle that will make Roxas understand. But it's just that one that he has a problem with. "...I hate thinking about you leaving."

Axel knows he should feel like he chickened out, but he really thinks that he came pretty damn close to telling Roxas the truth there. "Can't you...I'd really rather focus on here and now. This." He looks over at Roxas, who's been silent, and the kid's smiling at him. Just a little, like one of his little smirks, but it looks real. It's hard to tell.

"It stung for a while. After you snapped at me."

Axel breathes out, feeling the tightness in his chest and the tension behind his eyes drain, washed out by the relief gained from forgiveness. "I'm sorry," he murmurs again, trying not to see Rox's face in his mind again, but it's hard to forget. When he'd dropped his gaze and instead put up a wall of concrete with that cynical smile and just said '_I'm just an easy fuck to you_.'

Axel sits up a little, his heart suddenly pounding again because he's just realized it - Roxas saying that...it meant the kid had been in it for more than that from the start. While Axel had been looking for someone to have some fun with, Roxas had been thinking it was a real relationship even before Axel had started to question what he felt. Even knowing that he wouldn't be coming back and it could only be for the summer, this kid was willing to let himself fall in love?

Axel turns and doesn't give Roxas any time to react before he's kissing him, hard, like he means it, because he does, he really fucking _does_, and he doesn't care that Rox's dad could walk in at any moment. At least he'd see that somebody loves his son.

* * *

The first time Axel knew he was happy, it was _Worlds Apart_.

It starts at lunchtime, when Axel's mom invites Roxas to have dinner with them. Early August, and she finally manages to get Roxas alone so that Axel won't be able to interrupt her attempts. Of course Roxas is eager, even if it's just to punish Axel for never bringing it up before, and the two end up staying in the house all day, entertaining Lyla and helping with dinner later.

The meal goes over well, despite the horror and embarrassment Axel had been imagining. Lyla and Roxas do most of the talking, holding conversations from what the Milky Way would _really_ taste like to what it's like where Roxas lives. Axel tunes out at that point, focusing on his food, but keeping his leg pressed close to Rox's and watching Mom tell Lyla not to feed Flannery scraps and Dad occasionally sneak them to her anyway.

Axel leaves to take his meds before he forgets to, and by the time he returns, Roxas has volunteered them both to wash the dishes. Axel doesn't bother arguing with him, just gets him back by flicking water at him the whole time. Roxas can't help but retaliate, and with the laughter, neither notices Axel's dad watching them, raising an eyebrow and shaking his head slowly before leaving.

Roxas says his dad isn't expecting him home until late, so Axel chases Lyla out of the living room and they take over the couch, killing the lights and arguing over what movie to watch. They're halfway through _The Crow_ when Axel thinks that he can't remember at what point he could last completely feel his fingers, because Roxas is asleep with his head on Axel's arm, curled into his shoulder, snoring noticeably, with his mouth open enough it's surprising he isn't drooling. It's a pretty funny sight, but Axel doesn't want to wake him up, so he doesn't laugh. He settles for having one arm be a pillow and the other slung across Rox's stomach, and he thinks it probably looks pretty cute when his mom pokes her head in the room and smiles.

"I've called his father," she says in a stage whisper. "He's welcome to sleep here tonight."

Axel just gives her a thumbs up, and she smiles again before leaving. He hears the door to his parents' room shut a minute later, and thinks that a bed would probably be more comfortable for both of them, even if his bed is technically a couch, so he pinches Rox's nose shut to wake him up, because there's no fucking way he's attempting to carry him downstairs. After a snorting noise that _does_ make Axel laugh, Roxas comes awake with a cough and a glare.

"Asshole."

"Come on," Axel says, still smiling. "We're moving downstairs."

Roxas leaps onto the bed, definitely more awake now, and snuggles against Axel when he crawls on a little more sedately. Axel thinks that they don't do this often enough, because although he's never called himself a cuddler before, he can admit that it feels pretty damn good to be able to just lie there and be touching him.

Roxas is running a finger along the bit of collarbone showing above Axel's shirt, and when Axel moves to kiss him, he already knows exactly where the night is going to lead.

But there's something different, something deeper and more important, beneath the surface. Axel can't pinpoint what it is, but he can feel it. It's there in the way they're kissing slowly, setting a rhythm, like they have all the time in the world. It's there in how their clothes are on the floor next to the bed instead of tossed into a corner, and in the salty taste of a still-healing scar on Rox's chest. It's in the smooth drag of skin on skin, and they way Roxas skims his fingertips down his spine and breathes into his neck and holds him tight so they're pressed together. And it's there in the way Roxas digs in his nails and whispers his name.

Axel doesn't realize what it is until after, when Roxas is settled half on top of him, head resting on one arm, tracing invisible designs down his chest. It comes to him when Roxas kisses his shoulder, just because, and gives him the content, happy smile he used to save for goodbyes.

It's been there probably all summer, but Axel's just now noticing it.

That he hasn't been doing it because it's sex, but because it's Roxas.

* * *

The first time Roxas said 'I love you,' it was _Mary's Place_.

It was as gloriously bittersweet as it should have been.

* * *

The first time Roxas got drunk, it was _Waitin' on a Sunny Day_.

Roxas had been bugging Axel to take him to a party, because according to him, Axel promised he would. Axel remembers the night in question clearly, probably a lot more so than Roxas, and knows he made no such promise, but he doesn't deny it. Roxas leaves in just over a week, and it'll probably do them both good to loosen up a bit, so he calls up a friend of his from sophomore year who miraculously has the same cell number and decides it'd be awesome to catch up. Axel genuinely agrees, because he's one of the few guys from 10th grade who still tried to talk to him during the Hellhole that was his junior year. They haven't talked since then, so two nights later, Axel's reassuring his mom that yes, he's taken his AZT, and yes, they'll be back sometime during the night, and he promises her that she has nothing to worry about. It's strange how, when she said the exact same things years earlier, Axel would either ignore her or shout something rude, and now he's hugging her goodbye. Time changes people.

Roxas is excited on the drive over, drumming on his legs up on the dashboard, singing along with anything he recognizes. Axel smiles to himself and thinks that Roxas reminds him of the good parts of himself a few years ago. If he'd been half as innocent as Roxas at his age...

He shakes his head. That road's long in the past, no point in thinking about it now.

Apparently, Axel's friend is doing well for himself, because the address is for a nice-looking house, and they can hear the music from outside. Axel can't help but feel a little nostalgic, because even though he won't be drinking - he promised his mom they'd be home at some point and once promised himself _never_ while driving - it's starting to feel a little like the old days.

He hears his name called as soon as he's inside, and it makes his day that this guy is happy to see him when he's not even drunk yet.

Roxas looks like he belongs there, chatting with people like he's known them his whole life with a beer in his hand, so Axel lets himself relax a little and just makes sure he stays where he can see the kid.

Things don't really get fun until midnight, when most everyone is leaving and it's just a small group of Axel's old friends, and he just laughs as they sit Roxas down in the kitchen and hand him a shot and won't tell him what it is. He downs it anyway, and they all get a kick out of his face. The kid's still game, though, so they keep going until he's tried everything there and, although he can stand on his own well enough, he wavers when he tries to walk. Even considering it being his first time, it still hadn't taken much.

After everyone else is passed out, Axel moves out to the porch and shares a few cigarettes with his old friend, who's just on the coherent side of tipsy. They reminisce about things they did that make Roxas laugh, and when he asks Roxas how he met Axel, the kid stands up and give an impromptu reenactment of some of their summer memories. Only everything's a lot funnier, because Roxas can hardly walk and gives Axel a much deeper voice and a swagger like he's a drunk cowboy trying to pick someone up in a bar.

Throughout the night, Axel had noticed that nobody tried to start anything with him. They wouldn't have been successful, because Axel's reputation tends to precede him and he knows of a few people who would have had his back, one being the guy sitting next to him, but...since most people knew he was gay, it should have been strikingly obvious who Roxas was. And this crowd wasn't composed of the type of people a guy brings his _boyfriend_ to hang out with. Not that they had ever put a label on what they had going on, but that's what everyone else would call it. And nobody had said a damn word about it...He wasn't complaining, just shocked. Then again, if he'd really thought anyone would say something, he probably wouldn't have taken Roxas in the first place.

Hell, if Roxas hadn't wanted to, he probably wouldn't have come at all. He's more of the type to let the past be the past, not deal with the demons it creates, but he's there and didn't break his promise to himself not to drink. Because of Roxas. Strange how, for once, he was depending on the kid. And the kid was fucking _drunk_.

He says goodnight once Roxas complains he's bored and Axel's sure the kid's not going to puke in his truck. Roxas is even more excitable on the drive back, and Axel's thinking that tomorrow he'll have to tell him that he actually has a pretty decent voice when he's drunk when he glances over and sees the kid is slumped against the window, breath making it foggy. Axel just laughs to himself and wishes he had a camera.

He keeps the headlights low as they get back into town, because the streetlights are bright enough to fit the tone of the night. Roxas wouldn't understand, because he's too innocent, even though he's almost a senior in high school. There are only so many life experiences you can get from high school, and they don't include driving through town at four in the morning with the windows down and the perfect song on the radio - even though he's never heard it before - and someone...Axel doesn't quite know how to finish the thought, so he just thinks _Roxas_...someone like _Roxas_ asleep in the passenger seat.

* * *

The last time they say goodbye, it's _Lonesome Day_.

It's a sunny day, which just doesn't sit right with Axel. It'd be more appropriate if it were rainy. A raging thunderstorm would fit perfectly.

They meet outside Rox's house, like they'd planned on, because neither wanted a long goodbye. Axel doesn't know what Roxas was thinking, but he knows he probably couldn't have handled it. Besides, they said plenty to each other last night. Axel had warned Roxas that his dad would probably guess what they'd been up to when the kid got back home late, but he'd just smiled and said he really didn't give a fuck.

Axel helps Roxas and his dad pack up, and once they're finished, the man shoots them a look and goes back inside.

Roxas puts his hands in his pockets and looks up at Axel. He's smiling, but it's the one that means he's hiding something, the sad one, and Axel finds that suddenly it's a lot harder to swallow.

"I had fun, Axel."

"Yeah, me too," he says with a nod. "It was a good summer."

"Best I ever had." Roxas sighs and closes his eyes for a long moment before looking back up at him. "Thanks."

Axel doesn't answer, because he's thinking about how it's the last time he's going to be looking at those pool-blue eyes, eyes that he knows are saying those words Roxas won't say aloud now, but it's alright because he said it enough last night.

Rox's dad come back out and climbs in the driver's side of his truck, which means their time is up.

Roxas smiles again. "Take your meds."

"Yeah."

"Don't smoke so much."

Axel laughs dryly. "I'll try."

Roxas turns away. "Later," he calls over his shoulder, even though it's a lie.

"Yeah. See you." Even though it's another lie.

He shoots Axel a thumbs up before pulling the door shut, and the truck pulls off.

There's a second where Axel wants to do something crazy like run after it or shout something, but it passes before he actually starts to think about it.

He doesn't stand there and watch the truck leave until he can't see it anymore. He tries not to think about how Roxas is going to be like a bad taste on your tongue that won't go away, because he'll be thinking about the kid for a while. And he tries not to waste time wishing that either one of them believed a long-distance relationship would work after a summer like that.

He turns around and walks back home and has dinner with his mom. He goes to bed early, but he lies there with his eyes wide open all night and sighs a lot, and thinks that maybe he'll hit the road for a bit before moving back into his dorm early, because getting out of town would probably be a good thing. And he doesn't smoke a single cigarette all night.

He comes home for Christmas break probably a little too hopeful, bundled up in a brand new jacket and still feeling way too cold, with a cough that just won't go away. He walks down to the river, chain-smoking, and crunches the ice that's trying to form on the edge. He thinks that he'll have to make a New Year's resolution to get over the kid, but who really sticks to their resolutions anyway?

He coughs again, ignores the blood, and walks back home to see if he can find his meds.

It's been a few days since she last cried. She sits alone in the kitchen with her coffee, black, like she does most days now. She used to drink it outside on the porch and swing the day away, but lately it's been getting too hot out for that.

She's not sure what to expect when there's a knock at the door, because people stopped dropping by weeks ago, but she merely stands there, surprised, when she sees him, taller than he was last year, blond hair just as unruly and blue eyes just as dazzling. And then he smiles and asks her if Axel's home, and she can already feel the tears coming again as she pulls him into her arms, hugging him close.

"He said if I ever saw you, to tell you that he's sorry he never said it."

*****END


End file.
